Hey, you know what’s weird?
Why is Kylo Ren’s real name “Ben Solo”? Seems arbitrary that the first (and as far as we know, only) born child of Han Solo and Leia Organa is named after a character neither one of them had extensive interaction with. Furthermore, no one else called the old man “Ben” aside from Luke Skywalker, despite every other source has referred to the Jedi Knight as “Obi Wan.” So how did the young Solo boy come by his name?
Well, it turns out Lucasfilm had planned to do a stand-alone film that was to be released in between Episodes VIII and IX that addressed this long mystery. Unfortunately, this past year alone saw Lucasfilm putting out more self-inflicted fires than a pyromaniac fire department captain and thus the project was scrapped entirely. Fortunately, I have obtained a rough draft copy of the screenplay for the proposed stand-alone adventure for everyone to read. So let’s begin:
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
OPENING
INT. HOSPITAL MATERNITY WARD — CORUSCANT — DAY
HAN SOLO sits next to his wife, LEIA ORGANA-SOLO, as she holds their newborn baby in her arms, cooing and kissing his forehead.
HAN
He’s got your eyes.
LEIA
He’s got your hair.
HAN
Well, Princess…did you ever think you’d wind up starting a family with a scoundrel like me?
LEIA
Considering how many times you aggressively harassed me onboard the Falcon? Or how you wouldn’t even say ‘I love you’ back when you were about to die…
HAN
OH, come on! You’re still hung up on that?!
LEIA
Admit it, you just wanted to get into my Sarlaac at the time and you’d rather die from carbon freezing than embarrass yourself in front of Boba Fett…
HAN
‘I LOVE YOU,’ OK?! ‘I LOVE YOU,’‘I LOVE YOU,’ ‘I LOVE YOU!’ How long are you gonna hold that over my head?!
LEIA
Until you die by getting stabbed by loved one and fall down an endless chasm.
HAN
…that’s oddly specific–
ENTER LUKE SKYWALKER with a giant bouquet of flowers and bag.
LUKE
CONGRATULATIONS! Where’s my beautiful sister?!
HAN
[muttering]
Speaking of mistakes from the past held over your head…
LEIA punches HAN hard in his side, causing him to keel over.
LEIA
Flowers? Oh, Luke, you shouldn’t have!
LUKE
Freshly cut from the beautiful fields on Naboo for my beautiful sister!
HAN
Freshly cut? Isn’t Naboo, like, ten-thousand light years away?
LUKE
Well, the flower shop owner was Gungan, so it’s as good as the real thing.
HAN
Uh-huh…still doesn’t answer for the fields part–
LEIA
Shut up, Han.
HAN
[grumbles]
LUKE
I also got you a diaper bag so you can carry all of the bottles of blue milk the young warrior can drink! Let me see my nephew…
LUKE comes over and sees his newborn newphew.
LUKE [cont’d]
Amazing, isn’t it? Barely a day old and I can sense the Force is strong in him…
HAN
Oh please, you say that to servers to avoiding tipping them.
LUKE
No, I’m serious! I can sense his energy. He’ll definitely grow up to be a wise, all-powerful Jedi. I can teach him!
HAN and LEIA look at each other with concern, struggling to respond.
LUKE (cont’d)
He’ll be my star pupil. OH, did I tell you? I looking into some property in the Outer Rim so I can build a Jedi Academy! The place is a bit of a fixer-upper since it was previously used as a Bantha stable. The smell alone…*whew*, let me tell you, no wonder the Sand People are always so angry! They may ride single file to hide their numbers, but seems like having to ride behind a bunch of Banthas isn’t worth th–
LEIA
–Luke, listen. Han and I wanted to let you know that…well, we intend on raising our family in a secular household.
LUKE
…I don’t follow.
LEIA
You see, neither one of us is particularly religious in any way. So I see no point in trying to force…uh, the Force onto the kid.
LUKE
Leia…you can’t be serious?
LEIA
We just don’t know if that’s the right environment to raise a child. Plus, you mentioned the Bantha smells…
LUKE
Well it doesn’t have to be right away! He can wait until he’s the right age to become a Padawan, just like how the Jedi Council did it during the Old Republic.
LEIA
What age is that?
LUKE
Two.
HAN
And you wonder why it was so easy for people to turn against the Jedi after the Clone Wars. You guys had government subsidized child slaves.
LUKE
How about we put a pin in his training for now and we come back to it when you feel the time is right?
LEIA
Sure, Luke.
LUKE
So what’s the scruffy little Nerf Herders name?
HAN
Uh, wow, you mind not dropping the NH-words while we’re in public, kid? You’re not back on Tatooine with your moisture farming yokel friends.
LEIA
We haven’t decided on a name just yet. We’re kind of throwing around ideas, like…Jacen?
HAN
Nah, I like Janash. Or Dash. Or Kyle.
LEIA
We’re not naming him after your smuggling buddies. What about Bail?
HAN
Your father’s name? “Bail Solo.” Nah, doesn’t sound right.
LEIA
Gee, thanks, hun. Here I thought watching Alderaan get blown to bits was painful enough, I can’t name my son after the man who raised me because it “doesn’t sound right.”
HAN
Chewie thinks Lumpy is a good name.
LEIA
I’m not naming our child after a texture. I also refuse to take parental advice from a Wookiee who already has a son named Lumpy who he abandoned along with his wife back on Kashyyyk years ago and has yet to visit them.
HAN
Hey now! You know why Chewie can’t see them!
LEIA
Because Kashyyyk is still under Imperial control?
HAN
Exactly! Imagine the pa—wait…
LEIA
The fact he’s been using the same excuse for the last three years…which is how long ago we DEFEATED the Empire…God, Han. I know he’s your best friend, but jeez…
HAN
Eh. Better than having to spend all those credits on fuel shipping his hairy ass back and forth every Life Day.
LUKE
HEY! I got an idea for a name!
HAN
Let’s hear it, kiddo.
LUKE
I dunno why I didn’t think of this before, it’s so obvious! A glowing tribute as well.
LEIA
Go ahead! What do you got?
LUKE does a long, dramatic pause for effect.
LUKE
BEN.
SILENCE. Both HAN and LEIA have blank stares on their faces.
LUKE (cont’d)
Ben! He can be “Ben Solo!”
The parents look at each other, unimpressed.
LUKE (cont’d)
Doesn’t that sound perfect? BEN!
LEIA
Uh…I guess.
LUKE
Well it makes so much sense, doesn’t it?
HAN
You kinda have us at a loss here, farm boy. Why Ben?
LUKE
Oh, come on, you know! Ben! Like Ben Kenobi!
ANOTHER LONG SILENCE. LEIA and HAN remain stumped.
LUKE (cont’d)
You know, Ben! BEN KENOBI!
LEIA
[long beat]
Who?
LUKE
[insulted]
Who?! What do you mean who?! Ben Kenobi!
HAN
[exasperated]
Saying the damn name over and over doesn’t explain who he is!
LUKE
Ben Kenobi, the Jedi Master? Used to live out in the Dune Sea, kinda strangle old hermit. He hired YOU to take us to Alderaan, we got captured on the Death Star, he went an to disable the tractor beam, got sliced by our fath——stop me when any of this is sounding familiar!
HAN and LEIA continue to stare, nonplussed
LUKE (cont’d)
Leia, come on! “Help Me, Ben Kenobi. You’re My Only Hope.”
LEIA
Wait…are you talking about Obi-Wan Kenobi?
LUKE
Yes!! Ben Kenobi!
LEIA
Why are you calling him “Ben”??
LUKE
That’s his name!
LEIA
No it isn’t! His name is Obi-Wan. He served with my father in the Clone Wars.
LUKE
Uh, duh, I know he served with dad…
LEIA
No, my other father.
[looks at HAN]
The one whose name doesn’t sound right.
HAN
Grrrreaaaat, gonna be hearing that twenty more times this week…
LUKE
Han, you remember Ben Kenobi, right?
HAN
The old guy you were with? Uh, yeah, vaguely.
LUKE
If it wasn’t for him, we would’ve never escaped from the Death Star!
HAN
Hey look, pal, I can’t remember what species our doctor is, let alone remember the face of a passenger I flew over five years ago! I don’t remember his name as Ben, or Obi-Wan, or Wan Ben, or whatever…I just called him an old man.
LUKE
I just can’t believe neither one of you has any memory of him!
HAN
I knew him for all of two hours, maybe?
LEIA
And I never actually met him!
LUKE
But you literally said,“Help Me, Ben Kenobi. You’re My Only Hope.” I remember when we first met in your Imperial prison cell, I said “Ben Kenobi is here” and you went along.
LEIA
Ok, first off, no I didn’t. I said,“Help Me, OBI-WAN Kenobi. You’re My Only Hope.” I never said “Ben.” Secondly, I was told to contact him for help and then I got captured, tortured, and forced to watch my planet get annihilated. So when you said “Ben Kenobi is here,” I was half-traumatized while assuming you just said his name wrong.
HAN
You guys can seriously remember that far back?
LEIA
I don’t know where you got the name “Ben” from. Everyone I know who’s ever met him or fought alongside him, he’s always been Obi-Wan.
LUKE PAUSES, thinks.
LUKE
You know, it’s weird…I don’t know where I got “Ben” either. I just called him it and he always responded.
LEIA
I dunno, Luke…
LUKE
WELL, that doesn’t take away from the fact that he was great man! He saved my life once!
LEIA
Didn’t Vader kill him?
LUKE
Yeah, but he came back!
LEIA and HAN look at each other, concerned.
LUKE (cont’d)
It was on Hoth, after I got out of the Wampa cave. I was straggling through the frozen wasteland and collapsed from exhaustion…when suddenly, he appeared.
LEIA
…he appeared, on Hoth, in the middle of the wasteland?
LUKE
Yeah, except he was a spirit now. He learned how to reappear as a Jedi spirit. When all hope was lost, he saved me.
LEIA
What did he do?
LUKE
He said, “you must go to the Dagobah System and find Yoda.”
LEIA
[LONG BEAT]
…and?
LUKE
And then he disappeared.
LEIA
Not sure if that constitutes as saving your life.
HAN
This didn’t happen to be the same time I found you nearly dead and kept you alive but stuffing you inside the dead Tauntaun?
LUKE
I dunno. Next thing I knew, I woke up in a Baca chamber.
HAN
[muttering]
I nearly freeze to death saving your ass and some ghost with an identity crisis gets all the credit…
LUKE
Without Ben, I would’ve never become a Jedi.
LEIA
Wasn’t it Yoda who taught you to be a Jedi?
LUKE
Well…yeah, but…Ben taught me about the Force.
HAN
Kid, even *I* knew about the Force. It’s not as big as a secret as you think. This Ben character sounds like he was putting you through the ringer.
LUKE
NO! He was a wise man! He believed I would be the one to defeat Vader. I even left my training with Yoda early to confront him, because I sensed the two of you were in trouble.
HAN
Yeah, much good that did. I got stored in a carbonite container and you got your hand sliced off.
LEIA
Why did Obi-Wan…uh, I mean, Ben, think you were ready to kill our father?
LUKE hesitates.
LUKE
Wellll…he didn’t…exactly tell me…Vader was my father.
LEIA
WHAT?
LUKE
He first told me that Vader turned to the dark side and killed my father, as Jedi knight. Then I found out Vader was my father and he told me that in a way Vader *did* kill my father by turning to the darkside…
HAN
So he lied.
LUKE
Not necessarily, what he said was true…from a certain point of view.
HAN
Yeah, well, odd rhyming aside, seems like he left out a pivotal part of the story that probably would’ve saved you a right hand. You sure this guy had your best interests in mind?
LUKE
Of course he did! He did it to protect me! And without him, I would’ve never discovered I had a sister…
LEIA
…huh?
LUKE
It was Ben who first told me that you and I are siblings, Leia.
LEIA
When did he tell you this??
LUKE
[beat]
After we rescued Han from Jabba and I went back to Dagobah…
LEIA
[springs upward]
LUKE
It was to keep you safe!
LEIA
This man, this so-called “wise man”, not only mislead you into believing Vader wasn’t your father, but you had been in contact with him since his death and not once…not ONCE…did he bother to mention you’re my brother?!?
LUKE
I feel like he wanted to wait before telling me…
LEIA
Someone out there KNEW we were siblings, and could’ve told us before I ki——I kis———ki—
LEIA looks nauseous, then suddenly vomits all over the bed. Her INFANT SON wakes up, crying. HAN walks over and picks his son up, cradling him.
HAN
I wasn’t going to say it, sweetheart. I figured you had enough morning sickness for the both us.
LUKE
Leia, I’m so sorry…
LEIA
[wiping mouth]
Damnit, Luke! I tried to forget about that whole…thing. I was happy to discover I had a twin brother, a sibling I could rely on. All I wanted was to move forward and finally live in peace. No more Emperor, no more Empire, no more stormtroopers, no more bounty hunters, no more war.
[beat]
I’m sure to you, Ben Kenobi was a great man. But he also seemed to have taken advantage of you being Vader’s son. I’m sure he knew that Vader deep down still was Anakin Skywalker, so he used you to reignite that light…
LUKE
[hesitant]
Ehhhh…well, actually…Ben wanted me to kill Vader, not save him.
LEIA closes her eyes and groans.
HAN
Hey, that’s not a bad name…”Anakin”?
EVERYONE in the room falls silent.
LEIA
I mean…it is our father’s name.
HAN
And it sounds right!
LEIA looks annoyed at HAN as he wryly smiles.
LEIA
[to LUKE]
What do you think? “Anakin Solo”?
LUKE calmly nods his head, smiles, and exhales.
LUKE
I’m—I’m really sorry, I am still really dead set on Ben.
HAN
Ok, Force master, why don’t you leave so your dear sister can get some rest, got it?
LUKE begrudgingly begins to exit out of the hospital room.
LEIA
Luke…
LUKE
[turns around]
Yes?
LEIA
Don’t buy that Bantha stable. We can find another location for the academy.
LUKE
Yeah, but…the smell is a small price to pay for how cheap the pla–
LEIA
–I will gladly talk to the Bank of the New Republic to make sure you get enough credits for a better location.
LUKE
[smiles]
Thank you, sis.
LEIA
May The Force Be With You.
LUKE
May The Force Be With You.
HAN
See ya, kid.
LUKE exits. HAN brings their SON over to LEIA on the bed.
LEIA
I hope we find a name for you soon, my precious starbeam.
HAN
In the meantime, let’s alternate between names and see what fits.
[to baby]
How does that sound, Lumpy?
LEIA playfully smacks HAN before the two share a tender kiss.
LEIA
You know…it’s not so bad.
HAN
What is?
LEIA
Ben.
HAN
Baby, your brother is delusional. All that isolated training has turned himself a raving lunatic.
LEIA
I wouldn’t name him after Kenobi. I just like the name.
[to baby]
You get a name, your mother and father no longer have to worry, and uncle Luke gets to think he named you.
HAN
Well he technically did if that’s what you want to settle with.
LEIA
What do you think? Ben Solo. Not too far off from your own name.
HAN thinks, then nods his head.
HAN
Alright…Ben it is.
PAUSE. The sounds of baby BEN cooing.
LEIA
Hey…when Ben grows up and he decides he wants to be like his uncle…how would that make you feel?
HAN
[*blows raspberry*]
I dunno. I don’t think he has nearly enough hair to be a Wookiee.
LEIA turns and glares at HAN, who snickers.
LEIA
Ok, get out.
HAN
Ben Solo.
LEIA
Better than most of the other names we picked.
HAN
The grandson of the man who would be Darth Vader…named after the man who tried to kill him…
LEIA
What are you, superstitious now?
HAN
Me? Psssh, no. Hokey religions and anci–
LEIA
–ent weaponry are no match for a blaster at your side. Yes, thank you for saying that for the millionth time this week.
HAN
You know he’s got just as much Solo blood in him as he does Skywalker.
LEIA
So?
HAN
So…if he wants to train with Luke, I can’t stop him…
LEIA
…but?
HAN
I just wouldn’t want him only driven by the Force, or whatever. We all know what happened to Anakin Skywalker…
LEIA
Come on, Solo. You think the kid’s gonna grow up, train under Luke, turn to the darkside, worship his grandfather’s legacy, then kill you as you try to convince him he’s good?
HAN
Again, oddly specific.
LEIA
Go get some rest, my love.
The two share a kiss before HAN leaves the hospital room. LEIA holds her baby boy, cooing at him.
LEIA [cont’d]
[to BEN]
You’ll always be my Ben Solo, right? My handsome baby boy?
LEIA reaches for a bag next to the bed and a bunch of SAND pours out of it, all on the bed.
LEIA [cont’d]
Damnit, Luke! You bought a diaper bag from Mos Eisley, you cheap bastard? UGH…
BEN starts crying hysterically after his tiny baby feet touch the sandy sheets.
LEIA [cont’d]
I’m sorry, my little prince! I hate sand too…it’s coarse and it gets everywhere, right?
[rocks the baby]
Your uncle will make it up to you one day, I’m sure.
FADE TO: BLACK
THE END
the-gospel-according-to-rob-garrison 
