A Brief Recap of the 2018 Oscar Nominees for Best Picture

Sunday night March 4th is the 90th Academy Awards, and Jesus Christ 2017 was a shitty year for Hollywood. Oh…I wasn’t even talking abou–uh, [*clears throat*] th–the other thing that happen. I was actually referring to the movies released that contended for the golden statue, although “contended” seems too strong a word to use to describe them…it was more like “meh, I guess these are the best we got.” I’ve previously stated on other platform my opinions of the Oscars in the past, which I firmly believe the Academy Awards are a fucking joke. It’s gotten so bad that this year especially felt like they were scraping the very bottom of the mediocrity barrel just to ensure they meet their quota of nominating at least nine films for Best Picture.

But why does it have to be nine? I remember back when only five films were nominated for the grand prize and often all five films were stellar pieces of cinema. But having nine films nominated only seems superfluous since the average movie goer will probably only see 3 or 4 of the nominated films with only 2 of those films they actually saw in theaters while the rest they either watched when it became available for Amazon Prime or by streaming a pirated copy after jailbreaking their Firestick. But I digress…

Let’s just jump right in:

Call Me By Your Name

 

First off, BOOM, Armie dropped the Hammer down hard in the Woods! Secondly, can we take a moment to appreciate how their names perfectly lined up with my Professional Wrestling-esque color commentary?

What I’m sure what the filmmakers had hope to be the Brokeback Mountain of 2018, the story of a summertime romance between an older man and a 17-year old boy had all the right moves…until it was released less than a month after news of Kevin Spacey being a pedo predator with Mark from “RENT”. Hopefully the film will win the award for Best Visual Effects since the filmmakers had to digitally shrink Armie Hammer’s HUGE BALLS from showing through his short shorts (Seriously, this actually happened.)

Darkest Hour

Alright, can you spot which Churchill is either the real one or played by Gary Oldman?

“HEY, you know what I want to see?? MORE FILMS about Winston Churchill!”
— Said no one ever.

Seriously, what is the British film industry and their obsession with Churchill? He’s been depicted more times on film than Batman and Superman combined. Yes, he united Britain during WWII and was a bombastic leader, but outside of that he was kind of a shitty person. But given he’s been portrayed in the past by Richard Burton, Albert Finney, Brendan Gleeson, and Bob Hoskins, it’s like in order to be an established British actor, you must portray Churchill. Now I love Gary Oldman; always have, always will. Even his most ridiculously overacting performances have been the best part in his films (e.g. The Fifth Element). But not since Daniel Day-Lewis in Lincoln has a masturbatory performance been so shamelessly catered to the Oscars. Oldman is an over-the-top caricature that comes across like an impersonation of an impersonation of the man.  This is not his best performance…shit, he’s not even the best Churchill THIS YEAR (John Lithgow in The Crown). But like Leo DiCaprio with The Revenant, if he wins Best Actor it’s really to honor his career.  

Dunkirk

Because that’s Harry Styles on the left, I couldn’t get this fucking song out of the head throughout this entire scene. You’re welcome.

Set literally at the same time as previous film that featured a fat-suit wearing Sirius Black, Dunkirk is undeniably the superior film and, quite honestly, the only nominated film I thoroughly enjoyed. That being said, it’s a Christopher Nolan film which means two things:
A) the cinematography is unbelievably STUNNING, and
B) it is remarkably sterile when it comes to human emotions.
But Nolan’s last attempt at conveying emotions was in Interstellar, which resulted in the human characters acting more alien than the aliens in the film. So in this case, his weakness is his strength as the film avoids any shred of sentimentality that often devalues the seriousness of a heroic war film. The biggest thing that makes the movie stand out is Nolan’s unconventional use of time — scenes with the young soldiers on the beach take place over a week, the boat scenes with Mark Rylance and Cillian Murphy takes place over a day, and the air combat scenes with Tom Hardy takes place over an hour — and somehow he manages to seamlessly intertwine all three storylines. Unfortunately, it’s also confusing as fuck at times and often tedious at moments having to watch the same scene played over and over again from a different perspective. All in all, I found it very fulfilling, even with the history buff inside me reminding me how it’s not the most accurate depiction of the Dunkirk evacuations (that honor still goes to the 2007 film Atonement which features a five-minute single take tracking shot that is strikingly IMMACULATE).

 

Wait…did “Interstellar” even have aliens in it? I forgot…

Get Out

 

Instead of a still frame from Get Out, here’s a screenshot of director Jordan Peele playing the man behind the batshit insanity that was Gremlins 2: The New Batch. PLOT TWIST!!

Behold the Oscar underdog which has made several Academy members so annoyed at the film’s satirical take on white liberalism, that several [unverified] sources have reported on members skipping the film entirely. When I first saw the film, I absolutely loved it and felt it rightly deserved all the praise it got. I’m also a huge fan of Jordan Peele, so of course I was rooting for him to win all the major accolades for his directorial debut. Buuuuuut…ok, here’s the thing about Get Out, and I’m sure I’m going to get some heat for this — it doesn’t hold up. And by that, I mean it’s a film that can only be watched ONCE and never again. It falls victim to what I call “Shyamalan Syndrome“: in which a film has a major plot twist near the end that leaves audiences thrilled while simultaneously ruining any repeat value; with viewers now aware of the plot twist, any tension leading up to the climax is neutered as the viewers spend more time searching for easter eggs or anything they may have missed the first time, turning the movie into a game of Where’s Waldo. And sadly what is often the case when viewers looker closer, they uncover flaws which lead to the film being retroactively downgraded from its former critical glory. But even knowing Bruce Willis was dead the whole time during The Sixth Sense (fuck you, this stopped being a spoiler alert 15 years ago), there’s still enough substance to merit a repeat viewing of the film as Ghost McClane is really just a subplot to the main story. Unfortunately, Get Out lacks any definitive subplots aside from Lil Rel Howery’s TSA detective work which serves as literal comic relief from the suspense. What’s worse, knowing the film’s plot twist drains all semblance of tension out of the repeat viewing as you right away notice how the antagonists do very little in hiding their nefarious motivations and make almost zero effort in gaslighting Daniel Kaluuya’s Chris. I’m going to stop here because I don’t want this to turn into a full reappraisal of the entire film, especially after I already wrote my review for it (click here to read it!). I still hope Peele wins Best Director.  

Lady Bird

 

Alright, Be Honest: when you first heard the title, which of these two did you think of first?

Alright, full disclosure — didn’t see it. Didn’t appeal me to…and that’s saying something, because NONE of these films were very appealing to me. All I’ve taken away is that it’s gotten stellar reviews and rather perplexing Rotten Tomatoes score of 99%. But as you’ll find out further down this page, Rotten Tomatoes scores don’t mean jack shit.

 

 

Phantom Thread

 

There was a time when I had the utmost respect for Daniel Day-Lewis and his approach to the craft of method acting. Having studied acting in theater during high school, guys like Lewis were gods walking amongst men. Method acting to me seemed so dangerous and sexy; the idea of completely immersing yourself in a role so deep, you BECOME the character. So seeing Lewis yield his method sword in such films as Gangs of New York and There Will Be Blood, he became a favorite of mine. Then again, I was also listening to the All-American Rejects and My Chemical Romance at the time so my artistic tastes weren’t, shall we say, “refined” quite yet. Then during college, I discovered that method acting is actually vehemently despised in the acting community as it completely negates the very purpose of acting itself. And then several years later, I saw the film Lincoln with Lewis in the eponymous role as the 16th U.S. President which the media talked about how he stayed in character throughout filming and only answered to ‘Mr. President’…and yet it was a performance so goddamn mediocre, so banal, just full of so much scene chewing while slowly jerking itself off and thinking about that Oscar statue. That’s when I knew I was done with DDL, who I finally opened my eyes wide enough to see how much of a total hack he is. So this film is supposedly this final film before he retires from acting? Good riddance. You may have noticed that I haven’t talked about the film Phantom Thread at all in this section. It doesn’t matter — it won’t win. Fuck Daniel Day-Lewis and fuck method acting.           

The Post

 

WHOOPS! I’ve inserted a screenshot of what The Post wishes it was.

Speaking of Lincoln, what’s going on with Steven Spielberg lately? And by lately, I mean the past 15 years. Growing up, I saw the man as one of my idols and could name every movie he’s ever director/produced in chronological order like Rain Man meets IMDb. Believe it or not, there was a time not too long ago that Spielberg winning Oscars was a laughable idea since he was known for popcorn flicks like Jaws, Raiders, and ET, but after Schindler’s List he pretty much became the Emperor of Hollywood.  But like Alexander the Great, Steven saw the breadth of his domain and wept for there were no more worlds to conquer…or rather he directed a film where a beloved archaeologist survived an atomic bomb explosion by locking himself in a 1950’s refrigerator because ten years later and fan boys are still throwing a bitch-fit over their childhood being vandalized . For the past two decades, Spielberg has made films so unbelievably  forgettable, scientists should study their amnesiac effects to develop new medical technology that would erase traumatic memories of patients. So let’s cut right to it; did I enjoy The Post? Ehh, I guess. I enjoyed it as much as I’d enjoy going to the Post Office to pick up a package that I missed the delivery for — it’s not the worst thing in the world, but it definitely isn’t what I’d prefer to do on a Saturday afternoon. You have Spielberg, Tom Hanks, and Meryl Streep all working together on a historical drama dealing with the media attempting to expose the dark underbelly of Washington D.C., in what is in NO WAY topical to what is currently happening in the American government AT ALL. Nope! Absolutely NOT! Quite honestly, I enjoyed it more than Bridge of Spies which I’m pretty sure even Spielberg forgot he made that. But it’s your standard paint-by-numbers Oscar bait flick that Steven had gotten so used to making now. Streep is her usual overrated self and is of course nominated because at this point she’s become the Academy’s tie-breaker if they can’t decide between two actresses more deserving of the statue. And Hanks…well, I really don’t know what to say other than the last four films he appeared in were all box office disasters which makes me think he’s just randomly picking movies to do to fill the time between when Disney calls him back for the next Toy Story sequel. It’s…fine. The movie is fine. Just fine.

The Shape of Water

 

If you don’t recognize this screenshot, I’m sorry your childhood sucked.

The fish fucking movie. What more can I really say about it? Yeah, I know it’s insulting to call it that when it’s actually a very moving film that touches themes of love, trust, disabilities, tolerance, paranoia, etc.. The acting is great, the practical effects for the Amphibian Man are very impressive, and the cinematography is dream-like but all this was to be expected from Guillermo del Toro. The film in many ways can be seen as a spiritual successor to del Toro’s last awards darling, “Pan’s Labyrinth”–you remember that movie, right? The little girl, the freaky demon with eyes on his hands, and…uhhh, Francoist soldiers? Geez, it’s pretty hard to remember what happened in that movie and that’s not because it was entirely in Spanish. That’s kind of the impression I got with “The Shape of Water”; while it certainly one of the better films nominated this year, and definitely has a better chance at winning Best Picture, it will probably also be forgotten by the time next year’s awards will arrive. So be sure to order your Amphibian Man dildo now during this small window of opportunity is opened for anyone with a fetish for humanoid swamp creatures (no judgement here).

 

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Hey, remember this piece of shit movie? Praised by critics and went on to win the Oscar for Best Picture at the 2006 Academy Awards, where it beat out Brokeback Mountain, Capote and Good Night and Good Luck. If Three Billboards goes on to win the Best Picture award this year, this film will no longer be the biggest mistake the Academy has made…

Last and definitely the least, we come to this fucking movie. Anyone who’s ever spoken praise about this film has either never seen it, or suffered brain damage by falling off their roof headfirst while trying to get high inhaling tar fumes during August. Based on the film’s Rotten Tomatoes score being a fucking 92%, I have never been more certain that several film critics have been paid off by the studio to give positive reviews. No. Fuck this movie. Fuck it so much, I’m not even going to finish this parag–

Well that about wraps it up, I hope you enjoy this recap! Except by the time this gets posted, most of you either won’t care or the awards will already be handed out. Soooo…this has been a colossal waste of my time. Thanks for stopping by! 

Hall Of Shame: A Letter to Disney

AUTHOR’S NOTE: When originally published, I had erroneously stated that the ‘Hall of Presidents’ attraction was located at EPCOT instead of its actual location at Magic Kingdom in Walt Disney World. I had confused the attraction’s location with ‘The American Adventure,’ a similar show located in EPCOT’s World Pavilion that also deals with Audio-Animatronic historical figures from U.S. history. This error has since been corrected and references to the location have been modified to better fit the narrative. (12/22/2017)

Hey Disney,

It’s Rob. I’m a former cast member, Disneyland Resort 2010-2014. Remember me? It’s been a while. How’s things? Shanghai looking lovely I see. Can’t wait for Star Wars Land (you’re–you’re not gonna call it that, right?). I heard D23 was an absolute smash. Big things on the horizon for you!

Huh? Yes, yes, I’m aware that Pandora – The World of Avatar is open at Animal Kingdom, thank you for reminding me. Pardon me if I’m out of line, but I still think it’s one the dumbest and most expensive embarrassments in the history of shortsighted decisions you’ve made since…well, pretty much every decision the company made between 1967 to 1983. Not sure which executive thought it was a brilliant decision to acquire the theme park licensing for James Cameron’s amusing magic trick — no, not the CGI 3D effects, but rather how he made a film that grossed $2.7 billion at the box office before being subsequently forgotten by everyone who ever saw it.

 

“We’re really excited for Pandora as a new addition to the park, Jim. Soooo, um…when did you say those sequels coming out?”

Oh, hey! This year marks the 50th anniversary of The Pirates Of The Caribbean attraction! That’s exciting! So what do you have planned? Oh…you’re changing the ride yet again to be more “politically correct”? Gee, I remember the last time you did that where you added fruit baskets in the womens’ arms so it looked like the pirates were chasing food, not the ladies. I seemed to remember how stupid that was back then.

In a world where horny, shitfaced pirates remain celibate until the wedding night.

But hey, I’m not gonna argue some Disney purist “How-Walt-Would’ve-Wanted-It” bullshit, nor am I gonna go all Fox News by saying feminist snowflakes are ruining a classic ride with their trigger warnings and socialist ideas. But seriously…if you’re worried people would be offended by the “Take-A-Wench-For-A-Bride” scene because it objectifies women with implied sex trafficking — then you should also take out Mayor Carlos being water tortured by the pirates in the well, or pirates getting publicly intoxicated while shooting off guns. Or just get rid of the whole ride…instead of constantly bowdlerizing an attraction dedicated to the history of men who…oh, I dunno, loved to rape, pillage, and plunder? To be fair, there are worse things involving this ride being associated with alcoholics who abuse women. But I digress…

Photo unrelated. maybe.

HEY, speaking of rape, pillage, and plunder, looks like you’re going ahead with Donald Trump being added to the Hall of Presidents at Magic Kingdom in Walt Disney World…which kind of takes two steps back to the whole “dumbest and most expensive embarrassments in the history of shortsighted decisions.” I understand that your company is for all intents and purposes apolitical and intended to be enjoyed by everyone, regardless of their politics, beliefs, religion, stance, etc.. And no matter how good the intentions are, including American politics into anything related to, well, you is going to be a battle no matter how innocuous it seems.

I’m sure there was a good amount of flak you faced when you introduced George W. Bush into the Hall it what feels like a century ago when we all thought “Dubya” was a shoo-in for worst U.S. President ever. And when Barack Obama was added in 2009, I don’t doubt he got a few jeers as well. In fact, I was surprised to find out that you didn’t start adding incumbent presidents until 1993 with Bill Clinton be the first one to lend his voice for the speech. Seems like there’s no better way to ruin an Orlando family vacation than parents forcing their kids to listen to a boring educational show before audience members start shouting blowjob jokes at the stage.

What’s weird is they started shouting them at Gerald Ford

I’m not gonna mince words here — you known goddamn well who Donald John Trump is, so there’s no need to rattle off his greatest hits. Getting tired, sunburnt tourists in the same room with local Orlando passholders drunk from Epcot so everyone can watch a robotic Trump stand in front of every American president before him while he garbles a prewritten speech that he paraphrases 92% of anyhow? My God, they only way it could get more Floridian is by getting your arm bit off by an alligator after dropping your Margaritaville souvenir cup in a retirement complex’s man-made lake, causing you to inadvertently scream the N-word and confess you voted for Marco Rubio.

Seriously, fuck this place

This is probably one of the few times people wouldn’t fault you if the attraction was “Temporarily Closed” for the season (or two). We have a President who [possibly] colluded with the Russians in a political scandal that makes Watergate look like a bunch of temps got caught stealing office supplies. Chances are even the Richard Nixon animatronic is grumbling at the bullshit.

“Why do they keep yelling ‘blowjob’ at me? Wait, is Clinton really ‘Deep Throat’?!”

Have you ever considered to revamping the attraction to not feature decisive figures who held office? How about just showcasing the first, I dunno…24 Commanders-in-Chief? You have the all-star batters like Washington, Adams, Jefferson and Lincoln, followed by the pinch hitters like Madison, Monroe, Jackson, Van Buren and Grant, throw in a couple benchwarmers like Harrison, Tyler, Polk, Cleveland and, um, the other Harrison, and cut off at the 24th who was—Jesus, Cleveland again? Ok, how about the first 13 Presidents in honor of the thirteen original colonies, starting with Washington and ending with—Millard Fillmore? Who the fuck is he?  It’s like every president who served in-between Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt is so nondescript that the National Archives in D.C. has to double check on Wikipedia for which President Harrison came first

Official White House portrait, courtesy of the National Archives interns

Ok, ok, so maybe the selective revamp doesn’t work. Or you could always do what the Florida parks have been doing since you opened them in 1971 — just copy Disneyland but somehow make each attraction 6-minutes shorter than their Anaheim counterpart (*BUH-DUM-CHING*). In this case, we have Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln which was the granddaddy of audio-animatronics. I mean, why not?! Lincoln is probably one of the few Presidents who is universally adored by this country, so you’d easily avoid pissing off—well, you might piss off a few pro-Confederate yokels visiting from Tallahassee, but fuck ’em.

True story: I actually saw Great Moments the same week after the 2016 election results and I found myself blubbering like a baby at the recreation of Lincoln’s speech on “keeping the union together.” It was beautiful.

 “I too would like to announce I’m retiring from acting.”

In the end, none of this will matter since most of your ground work has been laid for Generalissimo Cheeto to join the ranks of free leaders. And despite some initial reports from Vice that Trump will *not* have a speaking role (which was later retracted), y’all seem pretty nonplussed over what could potentially be a PR nightmare. Not sure why you make such an effort to censor the misadventures of scurvy cursed buccaneers buying women to marry (although the heavyset bride seemed willing and ready) but are partially indifferent to showcasing a man who loves to grab women by the pussy as a simple of American pride and liberty.

…shit, you’re cutting this next, aren’t you?

It’s not like we needed another reason to visit Universal Studios instead for The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Oooh, sorry, that was low.

Still love you, always will.

Sincerely,

Rob

UPDATE (12/23/2017) — After numerous delays, including missing its initial debut during summer then late fall, the ‘Hall of Presidents’ finally had a quiet reopening on December 19, 2017 with the addition of Trump. There is no official explanation as to why the refurbishment took nearly a year to complete, although sources claim the delay was partially due to Trump being unhappy with the speech written by Disney for him to record and demanded to have his own people write the speech instead. Whatever the case is, the show now features an audio-animatronic President Donald J. Trump giving a brief speech while standing in front of the other forty-four American Presidents. And…it’s just…holy shit. First of all, look at this fucking thing. If you want, go ahead and watch this Stephen King-esque gargoyle speak. Naturally, Disney made sure the speech was non-partisan and family friendly, making the Trump robot a better U.S. President than the real guy. Thank God for the internet, though.