A Man Called Ben — A Star Wars Story

Hey, you know what’s weird?

Why is Kylo Ren’s real name “Ben Solo”? Seems arbitrary that the first (and as far as we know, only) born child of Han Solo and Leia Organa is named after a character neither one of them had extensive interaction with. Furthermore, no one else called the old man “Ben” aside from Luke Skywalker, despite every other source has referred to the Jedi Knight as “Obi Wan.” So how did the young Solo boy come by his name?

Well, it turns out Lucasfilm had planned to do a stand-alone film that was to be released in between Episodes VIII and IX that addressed this long mystery. Unfortunately, this past year alone saw Lucasfilm putting out more self-inflicted fires than a pyromaniac fire department captain and thus the project was scrapped entirely. Fortunately, I have obtained a rough draft copy of the screenplay for the proposed stand-alone adventure for everyone to read. So let’s begin:   

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

OPENING

INT. HOSPITAL MATERNITY WARD — CORUSCANT — DAY

HAN SOLO sits next to his wife, LEIA ORGANA-SOLO, as she holds their newborn baby in her arms, cooing and kissing his forehead.

HAN
He’s got your eyes.

LEIA
He’s got your hair.

HAN
Well, Princess…did you ever think you’d wind up starting a family with a scoundrel like me?

LEIA
Considering how many times you aggressively harassed me onboard the Falcon? Or how you wouldn’t even say ‘I love you’ back when you were about to die…

HAN
OH, come on! You’re still hung up on that?!

LEIA
Admit it, you just wanted to get into my Sarlaac at the time and you’d rather die from carbon freezing than embarrass yourself in front of Boba Fett…

HAN
‘I LOVE YOU,’ OK?! ‘I LOVE YOU,’‘I LOVE YOU,’ ‘I LOVE YOU!’ How long are you gonna hold that over my head?!

LEIA
Until you die by getting stabbed by loved one and fall down an endless chasm.

HAN
…that’s oddly specific–

ENTER LUKE SKYWALKER with a giant bouquet of flowers and bag.

LUKE
CONGRATULATIONS! Where’s my beautiful sister?!

HAN
[muttering]
Speaking of mistakes from the past held over your head…

LEIA punches HAN hard in his side, causing him to keel over.

LEIA
Flowers? Oh, Luke, you shouldn’t have!

LUKE
Freshly cut from the beautiful fields on Naboo for my beautiful sister!

HAN
Freshly cut? Isn’t Naboo, like, ten-thousand light years away?

LUKE
Well, the flower shop owner was Gungan, so it’s as good as the real thing.

HAN
Uh-huh…still doesn’t answer for the fields part–

LEIA
Shut up, Han.

HAN
[grumbles]

LUKE
I also got you a diaper bag so you can carry all of the bottles of blue milk the young warrior can drink! Let me see my nephew…

LUKE comes over and sees his newborn newphew.

LUKE [cont’d]
Amazing, isn’t it? Barely a day old and I can sense the Force is strong in him…

HAN
Oh please, you say that to servers to avoiding tipping them.

LUKE
No, I’m serious! I can sense his energy. He’ll definitely grow up to be a wise, all-powerful Jedi. I can teach him!

HAN and LEIA look at each other with concern, struggling to respond.

LUKE (cont’d)
He’ll be my star pupil. OH, did I tell you? I looking into some property in the Outer Rim so I can build a Jedi Academy! The place is a bit of a fixer-upper since it was previously used as a Bantha stable. The smell alone…*whew*, let me tell you, no wonder the Sand People are always so angry! They may ride single file to hide their numbers, but seems like having to ride behind a bunch of Banthas isn’t worth th–

LEIA
–Luke, listen. Han and I wanted to let you know that…well, we intend on raising our family in a secular household.

LUKE
…I don’t follow.

LEIA
You see, neither one of us is particularly religious in any way. So I see no point in trying to force…uh, the Force onto the kid.

LUKE
Leia…you can’t be serious?

LEIA
We just don’t know if that’s the right environment to raise a child. Plus, you mentioned the Bantha smells…

LUKE
Well it doesn’t have to be right away! He can wait until he’s the right age to become a Padawan, just like how the Jedi Council did it during the Old Republic.

LEIA
What age is that?

LUKE
Two.

HAN
And you wonder why it was so easy for people to turn against the Jedi after the Clone Wars. You guys had government subsidized child slaves.

LUKE
How about we put a pin in his training for now and we come back to it when you feel the time is right?

LEIA
Sure, Luke.

LUKE
So what’s the scruffy little Nerf Herders name?

HAN
Uh, wow, you mind not dropping the NH-words while we’re in public, kid? You’re not back on Tatooine with your moisture farming yokel friends.

LEIA
We haven’t decided on a name just yet. We’re kind of throwing around ideas, like…Jacen?

HAN
Nah, I like Janash. Or Dash. Or Kyle.

LEIA
We’re not naming him after your smuggling buddies. What about Bail?

HAN
Your father’s name? “Bail Solo.” Nah, doesn’t sound right.

LEIA
Gee, thanks, hun. Here I thought watching Alderaan get blown to bits was painful enough, I can’t name my son after the man who raised me because it “doesn’t sound right.”

HAN
Chewie thinks Lumpy is a good name.

LEIA
I’m not naming our child after a texture. I also refuse to take parental advice from a Wookiee who already has a son named Lumpy who he abandoned along with his wife back on Kashyyyk years ago and has yet to visit them.

HAN
Hey now! You know why Chewie can’t see them!

LEIA
Because Kashyyyk is still under Imperial control?

HAN
Exactly! Imagine the pa—wait…

LEIA
The fact he’s been using the same excuse for the last three years…which is how long ago we DEFEATED the Empire…God, Han. I know he’s your best friend, but jeez…

HAN
Eh. Better than having to spend all those credits on fuel shipping his hairy ass back and forth every Life Day.

LUKE
HEY! I got an idea for a name!

HAN
Let’s hear it, kiddo.

LUKE
I dunno why I didn’t think of this before, it’s so obvious! A glowing tribute as well.

LEIA
Go ahead! What do you got?

LUKE does a long, dramatic pause for effect.

LUKE
BEN.

SILENCE. Both HAN and LEIA have blank stares on their faces.

LUKE (cont’d)
Ben! He can be “Ben Solo!”

The parents look at each other, unimpressed.

LUKE (cont’d)
Doesn’t that sound perfect? BEN!

LEIA
Uh…I guess.

LUKE
Well it makes so much sense, doesn’t it?

HAN
You kinda have us at a loss here, farm boy. Why Ben?

LUKE
Oh, come on, you know! Ben! Like Ben Kenobi!

ANOTHER LONG SILENCE. LEIA and HAN remain stumped.

LUKE (cont’d)
You know, Ben! BEN KENOBI!

LEIA
[long beat]
Who?

LUKE
[insulted]
Who?! What do you mean who?! Ben Kenobi!

HAN
[exasperated]
Saying the damn name over and over doesn’t explain who he is!

LUKE
Ben Kenobi, the Jedi Master? Used to live out in the Dune Sea, kinda strangle old hermit. He hired YOU to take us to Alderaan, we got captured on the Death Star, he went an to disable the tractor beam, got sliced by our fath——stop me when any of this is sounding familiar!

HAN and LEIA continue to stare, nonplussed

LUKE (cont’d)
Leia, come on! “Help Me, Ben Kenobi. You’re My Only Hope.”

LEIA
Wait…are you talking about Obi-Wan Kenobi?

LUKE
Yes!! Ben Kenobi!

LEIA
Why are you calling him “Ben”??

LUKE
That’s his name!

LEIA
No it isn’t! His name is Obi-Wan. He served with my father in the Clone Wars.

LUKE
Uh, duh, I know he served with dad…

LEIA
No, my other father.
[looks at HAN]
The one whose name doesn’t sound right.

HAN
Grrrreaaaat, gonna be hearing that twenty more times this week…

LUKE
Han, you remember Ben Kenobi, right?

HAN
The old guy you were with? Uh, yeah, vaguely.

LUKE
If it wasn’t for him, we would’ve never escaped from the Death Star!

HAN
Hey look, pal, I can’t remember what species our doctor is, let alone remember the face of a passenger I flew over five years ago! I don’t remember his name as Ben, or Obi-Wan, or Wan Ben, or whatever…I just called him an old man.

LUKE
I just can’t believe neither one of you has any memory of him!

HAN
I knew him for all of two hours, maybe?

LEIA
And I never actually met him!

LUKE
But you literally said,“Help Me, Ben Kenobi. You’re My Only Hope.” I remember when we first met in your Imperial prison cell, I said “Ben Kenobi is here” and you went along.

LEIA
Ok, first off, no I didn’t. I said,“Help Me, OBI-WAN Kenobi. You’re My Only Hope.” I never said “Ben.” Secondly, I was told to contact him for help and then I got captured, tortured, and forced to watch my planet get annihilated. So when you said “Ben Kenobi is here,” I was half-traumatized while assuming you just said his name wrong.

HAN
You guys can seriously remember that far back?

LEIA
I don’t know where you got the name “Ben” from. Everyone I know who’s ever met him or fought alongside him, he’s always been Obi-Wan.

LUKE PAUSES, thinks.

LUKE
You know, it’s weird…I don’t know where I got “Ben” either. I just called him it and he always responded.

LEIA
I dunno, Luke…

LUKE
WELL, that doesn’t take away from the fact that he was great man! He saved my life once!

LEIA
Didn’t Vader kill him?

LUKE
Yeah, but he came back!

LEIA and HAN look at each other, concerned.

LUKE (cont’d)
It was on Hoth, after I got out of the Wampa cave. I was straggling through the frozen wasteland and collapsed from exhaustion…when suddenly, he appeared.

LEIA
…he appeared, on Hoth, in the middle of the wasteland?

LUKE
Yeah, except he was a spirit now. He learned how to reappear as a Jedi spirit. When all hope was lost, he saved me.

LEIA
What did he do?

LUKE
He said, “you must go to the Dagobah System and find Yoda.”

LEIA
[LONG BEAT]
…and?

LUKE
And then he disappeared.

LEIA
Not sure if that constitutes as saving your life.

HAN
This didn’t happen to be the same time I found you nearly dead and kept you alive but stuffing you inside the dead Tauntaun?

LUKE
I dunno. Next thing I knew, I woke up in a Baca chamber.

HAN
[muttering]
I nearly freeze to death saving your ass and some ghost with an identity crisis gets all the credit…

LUKE
Without Ben, I would’ve never become a Jedi.

LEIA
Wasn’t it Yoda who taught you to be a Jedi?

LUKE
Well…yeah, but…Ben taught me about the Force.

HAN
Kid, even *I* knew about the Force. It’s not as big as a secret as you think. This Ben character sounds like he was putting you through the ringer.

LUKE
NO! He was a wise man! He believed I would be the one to defeat Vader. I even left my training with Yoda early to confront him, because I sensed the two of you were in trouble.

HAN
Yeah, much good that did. I got stored in a carbonite container and you got your hand sliced off.

LEIA
Why did Obi-Wan…uh, I mean, Ben, think you were ready to kill our father?

LUKE hesitates.

LUKE
Wellll…he didn’t…exactly tell me…Vader was my father.

LEIA
WHAT?

LUKE
He first told me that Vader turned to the dark side and killed my father, as Jedi knight. Then I found out Vader was my father and he told me that in a way Vader *did* kill my father by turning to the darkside…

 

HAN
So he lied.

LUKE
Not necessarily, what he said was true…from a certain point of view.

HAN
Yeah, well, odd rhyming aside, seems like he left out a pivotal part of the story that probably would’ve saved you a right hand. You sure this guy had your best interests in mind?

LUKE
Of course he did! He did it to protect me! And without him, I would’ve never discovered I had a sister…

LEIA
…huh?

LUKE
It was Ben who first told me that you and I are siblings, Leia.

LEIA
When did he tell you this??

LUKE
[beat]
After we rescued Han from Jabba and I went back to Dagobah…

LEIA
[springs upward]

LUKE
It was to keep you safe!

LEIA
This man, this so-called “wise man”, not only mislead you into believing Vader wasn’t your father, but you had been in contact with him since his death and not once…not ONCE…did he bother to mention you’re my brother?!?

LUKE
I feel like he wanted to wait before telling me…

LEIA
Someone out there KNEW we were siblings, and could’ve told us before I ki——I kis———ki—

LEIA looks nauseous, then suddenly vomits all over the bed. Her INFANT SON wakes up, crying. HAN walks over and picks his son up, cradling him.

HAN
I wasn’t going to say it, sweetheart. I figured you had enough morning sickness for the both us.

LUKE
Leia, I’m so sorry…

LEIA
[wiping mouth]
Damnit, Luke! I tried to forget about that whole…thing. I was happy to discover I had a twin brother, a sibling I could rely on. All I wanted was to move forward and finally live in peace. No more Emperor, no more Empire, no more stormtroopers, no more bounty hunters, no more war.
[beat]
I’m sure to you, Ben Kenobi was a great man. But he also seemed to have taken advantage of you being Vader’s son. I’m sure he knew that Vader deep down still was Anakin Skywalker, so he used you to reignite that light…

LUKE
[hesitant]
Ehhhh…well, actually…Ben wanted me to kill Vader, not save him.

LEIA closes her eyes and groans.

HAN
Hey, that’s not a bad name…”Anakin”?

EVERYONE in the room falls silent.

LEIA
I mean…it is our father’s name.

HAN
And it sounds right!

LEIA looks annoyed at HAN as he wryly smiles.

LEIA
[to LUKE]
What do you think? “Anakin Solo”?

LUKE calmly nods his head, smiles, and exhales.

LUKE
I’m—I’m really sorry, I am still really dead set on Ben.

HAN
Ok, Force master, why don’t you leave so your dear sister can get some rest, got it?

LUKE begrudgingly begins to exit out of the hospital room.

LEIA
Luke…

LUKE
[turns around]
Yes?

LEIA
Don’t buy that Bantha stable. We can find another location for the academy.

LUKE
Yeah, but…the smell is a small price to pay for how cheap the pla–

LEIA
–I will gladly talk to the Bank of the New Republic to make sure you get enough credits for a better location.

LUKE
[smiles]
Thank you, sis.  

LEIA
May The Force Be With You.

LUKE
May The Force Be With You.

HAN
See ya, kid.

LUKE exits. HAN brings their SON over to LEIA on the bed.

LEIA
I hope we find a name for you soon, my precious starbeam.

HAN
In the meantime, let’s alternate between names and see what fits.
[to baby]
How does that sound, Lumpy?

LEIA playfully smacks HAN before the two share a tender kiss.

LEIA
You know…it’s not so bad.

HAN
What is?

LEIA
Ben.

HAN
Baby, your brother is delusional. All that isolated training has turned himself a raving lunatic.

LEIA
I wouldn’t name him after Kenobi. I just like the name.
[to baby]
You get a name, your mother and father no longer have to worry, and uncle Luke gets to think he named you.

HAN
Well he technically did if that’s what you want to settle with.

LEIA
What do you think? Ben Solo. Not too far off from your own name.

HAN thinks, then nods his head.

HAN
Alright…Ben it is.

PAUSE. The sounds of baby BEN cooing.

LEIA
Hey…when Ben grows up and he decides he wants to be like his uncle…how would that make you feel?

HAN
[*blows raspberry*]
I dunno. I don’t think he has nearly enough hair to be a Wookiee.

LEIA turns and glares at HAN, who snickers.

LEIA
Ok, get out.

HAN
Ben Solo.

LEIA
Better than most of the other names we picked.

HAN
The grandson of the man who would be Darth Vader…named after the man who tried to kill him…

LEIA
What are you, superstitious now?

HAN
Me? Psssh, no. Hokey religions and anci–

LEIA
–ent weaponry are no match for a blaster at your side. Yes, thank you for saying that for the millionth time this week.

HAN
You know he’s got just as much Solo blood in him as he does Skywalker.

LEIA
So?

HAN
So…if he wants to train with Luke, I can’t stop him…

LEIA
…but?

HAN
I just wouldn’t want him only driven by the Force, or whatever. We all know what happened to Anakin Skywalker…

LEIA
Come on, Solo. You think the kid’s gonna grow up, train under Luke, turn to the darkside, worship his grandfather’s legacy, then kill you as you try to convince him he’s good?

HAN
Again, oddly specific.

LEIA
Go get some rest, my love.

The two share a kiss before HAN leaves the hospital room. LEIA holds her baby boy, cooing at him.

LEIA [cont’d]
[to BEN]
You’ll always be my Ben Solo, right? My handsome baby boy?

LEIA reaches for a bag next to the bed and a bunch of SAND pours out of it, all on the bed. 

LEIA [cont’d]
Damnit, Luke! You bought a diaper bag from Mos Eisley, you cheap bastard? UGH…

BEN starts crying hysterically after his tiny baby feet touch the sandy sheets.

LEIA [cont’d]
I’m sorry, my little prince! I hate sand too…it’s coarse and it gets everywhere, right?
[rocks the baby]
Your uncle will make it up to you one day, I’m sure.

FADE TO: BLACK

THE END

  

 

 

 

         

BEST/WORST of 2017 (pt. 1)

Well, another year down the crapper. We saw Nazis march in the street of the USA and learned that three super charged hurricanes causing destruction in five states and Puerto Rico STILL wasn’t enough to convince some that climate change is real. We endured the first year of having a Twitter troll as President while watching all of our ally countries electing leaders who were not only intelligent but young and attractive. The year began with over 5 MILLION women worldwide marching to show defiance and ended with the voices of countless victims being heard, crying out for justice against those who long abused power to conceal the vile monsters they always were. Meanwhile in Alabama, you can apparently run for Senate while being a racist, xenophobic, homophobic pedophile and that STILL somehow isn’t enough to dissuade people from voting for you. 

Also, people are arguing over Star Wars. That somehow ranks pretty high on how fucked up 2017 was.

Well, let’s see how the rest of the year stacked up on my list:

(in no particular order)

FAVORITE TV SHOWS OF 2017:

‘Big Mouth’ (Netflix)— Holy shit, was this a pleasant surprise. With co-creator Nick Kroll starring in a cast that includes John Mulaney, Jessi Klein, Jason Mantzoukas, Maya Rudolph, Jenny Slate, Fred Armisen, AND Jordan Peele, there are so many things that could’ve gone wrong…instead, it’s one of the most BRILLIANT animated satirical comedy series since ‘South Park’.

‘The Deuce’ (HBO)— This show kinda slipped under the radar for a lot of viewers and watching it can be frustrating since there really isn’t a overall “plot,” which is kinda the point. It’s from the same people who created ‘The Wire’…you know, that one show everyone who’s ever seen it won’t shut up about how BRILLIANT it is? Well it’s essentially the same kind of storytelling set in the backdrop of the seedy sex trade of early-1970’s New York City…its Scorsese sans Scorsese.

‘Stranger Things 2’ (Netflix)— Full disclosure: I wasn’t a terribly big fan of the first season of this show…a bit overrated and I felt the pacing was uneven. But it’s sophomore season completely turned me around and I found myself loving every minute of this more refined 1980’s nostalgia trip featuring the boys of Hawkins, Indiana

‘Glow’ (Netflix)— Speaking of the 80’s, this show took ‘Stranger Things’’s nostalgia for the Reagan Era to a whole new level with a cast and storyline so funny, heartfelt, and inspiring, I found myself gleefully cheering by the end of episode 10, only to be followed with the agony of realizing I had finished the series and must wait for season two. Alison Brie, Betty Gilpin, and Marc Maron deserve NOTHING BUT PRAISE for this show.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: ‘Game of Thrones (Season 7)’, ‘The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’, ‘Feud: Bette and Joan’, ‘The Good Place’, Ken Burns’ ‘The Vietnam War’ miniseries.

WORST TV SHOWS OF 2017:

‘Rick and Morty (Season 3)‘ (Adult Swim)— We waited nearly two years for season three to FINALLY premiere…and when it finally did, good God, was it a huge disappointment. Blame on the overhype or McDonald’s notoriously dropping the proverbial ball with the whole Mulan Szechuan sauce debacle (although it probably didn’t help that so many of the show’s fans out there are immature fucking losers who completely miss the point of Rick Sanchez) we but I feel creator Dan Harmon’s real-life divorce and further descent into alcoholism may have played a hand in the show’s underwhelming third outing. It just felt like there was something missing through all ten episodes and I have come to fear that the show may never regain the same footing it once had. To me, this is Harmon’s ‘Community’ all over again.

‘Friends from College’ (Netflix) — This show is the parallel opposite to ‘Big Mouth’ where despite being co-created by Nicholas Stroller (‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’, ‘Neighbors’) and featuring a solid cast of Keegan-Michael Key, Cobie Smulders, Fred Savage, and Billy Eichner, it’s a premise that should’ve worked but instead fails in every way. This dramedy about a group of middle aged Harvard alumni “friends” is banal, mean-spirited, and utterly pointless, with its characters so unlikable and self-absorbed that they make the gang from ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ look like the Dunphys from ‘Modern Family.’ I’m all for irreverent comedy fearing sociopaths doing inadvertently misanthropic deeds, but this seemed to have left out the “comedy” part. I was baffled to hear this show got renewed for a second season, but that was back in August and since then no updates have been heard. One can only hope Netflix walks back on their decision and quietly snuffs this dreck…

‘Twin Peaks: The Return’ (Showtime) — I’m sorry…I just couldn’t. I LOVED the original David Lynch/Mark Frost series and I was ecstatic for its long awaited return, but the show went full Lynchian the moment the first episode began…and to paraphrase the line from ‘Tropic Thunder’, you never go FULL Lynchian. Maybe I’m just not as strong as some other fans, but watching Kyle MacLachlan act like a lobotomized Dale Cooper for the first eight-*goddamn*-episodes was a test in patience that I failed miserably before giving up the show entirely. Yes, I’m ashamed to admit I threw in the towel before making it past episode eight. Don’t bother telling me it eventually comes together…I was told the same thing would happen after the fifth episode. I found it irritating how the original show’s quirky humor seems missing from this outing, which is one of the many things that made the characters so endearing. Also, how do you do a Twin Peaks show where less than 20% of each episode actually takes place in Twin Peaks?  About the only positive thing the show achieved was it retroactively made ‘Fire Walk With Me’ a more coherent and enjoyable film.

‘American Horror Story: Cult’ (FX) — This wasn’t the worst AHS season and to be honest I didn’t hate it all that much…however, what initially started as a social commentary on middle America under the Trump presidency, about midway through turned into a sendup on how the Alt-Right and SJWs are more alike than they care to admit with fear-based fundamentalism. Heavy-handed, maybe…but like previous seasons, ‘Cult’ plays musical chairs with the characters and their moral compasses, so the audience has a  tough time in deciding who to root for. Evan Peters plays an Adderall popping sociopathic cult leader who initially is inspired by the fear caused by Donald Trump winning the election, only to later gain inspiration from the amphetamine-included hallucinations of Charles Manson. On the other hand, Sarah Paulson is the uber-feminist whose grocery list of phobias make her borderline insufferable to her wife Alison Pill and to the audience as well; the first episode she screams in agony at Trump winning, but we later find out she voted for Jill Stein…ok, NOW she’s insufferable. I liked where it was going with its characters being shades of gray…but then it chickened out by its climax that seem to say “Just Kidding, the other side is WAY Worse!” Godamnit…

DIS-HONORABLE MENTIONS: ‘Iron Fist’, ‘Inhumans’, ‘The Defenders’…basically everything Marvel did for TV this year (minus ‘The Punisher’)

 

FAVORITE MOVIES OF 2017

‘Get Out’ (Universal)— If there’s one lesson to learn watching Jordan Peele’s directorial debut, it’s that white people have no idea how TERRIFYING they are to black people and other people of color. Never has a movie been so good at subverting expectations that I’m afraid to rewatch it in fear that it won’t have the same impact as the first viewing. Its mix of psychological horror with darkly satirical social commentary make it the best black comedy horror since ‘An American Werewolf in London’. As I’ve said, I haven’t rewatched the film since it was in theaters and that’s partially because the version Amazon has on-demand features the “ALTERNATIVE ENDING“. I remember the film’s ending being surprisingly upbeat and was curious if that was itself an alternative ending; sure enough, the alternative ending matches the film’s grim tone which Peele had originally intended as an allegory for America’s current political climate. I’m all for bleak endings especially in horror films, but this may be the one time I genuinely don’t want a downbeat ending. I’ll eventually gather enough courage to check it out.

‘Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2’ (Marvel/Disney) — At this point the MCU films have to be graded on a curve since Marvel has yet to release a “bad” movie. In any case, ‘Vol. 2’ is on equal footing with ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’ in Marvel’s “sequels that are better than the original” league. The film somehow manages to supersede its predecessor by not only being funnier and more exciting, but also having more emotional depth with its surprisingly deep take on toxic masculinity, childhood abuse, sibling rivalry, and dysfunctional family dynamics. I felt all the feels. 

‘Blade Runner 2049’ (Warner Bros./Columbia) — I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; ‘Blade Runner’ didn’t need a sequel. But in 2017 it got one and it’s better than it has any right to be. In fact, calling it a “sequel” feels like a cheap understatement when what it should be called is a “companion film” to the original, akin to ‘The Godfather Part II’. It’s a wholly original work of art that avoids the pitfalls of Hollywood’s latest “soft reboot syndrome” while offering a solid continuation of the story arc from the 1982 previously underrated masterpiece. Ryan Gosling excels as the neo-noir hero and Harrison Ford gives what is probably his most emotionally believable performance in the span of his 40+ year acting career. If you missed it in the theaters (and most of you did judging from the box office numbers), don’t miss watching it now.

‘Logan’ (Fox)— This past year saw a plethora of films that deconstructed their own mythos and/or genre, with ‘Logan’ being the forerunner. The movie is a gritty dismantling of the comic book superhero film trope in the same way that Clint Eastwood’s 1992 film ‘Unforgiven’ was a demythifying critique on the American Western. With a tone and setting so bleak, dirty, nihilistic, and misanthropic, it’s easy to forget the film comes from the same series that, among other things, had costumed superhumans fighting atop the Statue of Liberty. Hugh Jackman gives an uncompromising performance so profound that despite playing the role for over two decades, this is the closest he has ever gotten to faithfully portraying the titular anti-hero from the comics. Along with Patrick Stewart giving his final turn as Charles Xavier that is devastatingly soul crushing, it’s a relief to see the two biggest stars of the series finally get their long overdue swan songs. But it was the final shot at the end that managed to do what 17 years of mediocre X-Men films never could accomplish — fill my eyes with tears.

‘It’ (Warner Bros.) — 2017 saw the dawn of a Stephen King Renaissance after having spent the last two decades adapting his books into cheap tv-movies, miniseries and straight-to-video/DVD releases. The year had not one but TWO big screen King adaptations — one of them being good and the other featured Matthew McConaughey’s worst performance since ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre 4’ (watch this 28-second clip. You’re Welcome.) The good one was an excellent translation of the 1986 novel that managed to faithfully capture King’s magic to film while fixing some of the more “problematic” elements from the novel. Having the film focus solely on the characters as kids instead of featuring scenes of them as adults is a major improvement, especially compared to the 1990 miniseries we all grew up on. Speaking of which, compared to Tim Curry’s creepy yet campy evil clown, Bill Skarsgård’s performance as Pennywise is unnervingly terrifying with a more nuanced depiction of the villain as an otherworldly malevolent alien; Skarsgård is Heath Ledger to Curry’s Jack Nicholson. Hopefully the filmmakers can repeat their skilled craftsmanship for the yet unmade part-two…and get it done before King slips back into irrelevancy.

‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’ (Disney/Lucasfilm) — Never has film I’ve like made so exhausted in having to defend why I like it. Episode VIII has gone down as the most divisive Star Wars film to be released and has divided the fandom so drastically that you’d swear it was the 2016 presidential election all over again. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to repeat this: the movie was good. Damn good. Was it flawless? Not even close, but no great film is. Do I agree with every decision it made? Absolutely not…but I respect director Rian Johnson’s bold tenacity to stand by his choices when faced with the backlash. Do I think it’s the best Star Wars film? No…but I believe it is ONE of the best films in the series. Episode VIII practically rewrote the book on subverting audience expectations which is why so many angry fanboys are quick to wreak havoc because their theories were proven to be wrong. Ironically, it seems many of these dissidents have completely missed the film’s entire message on how romanticizing the past and deifying your heroes will always lead to disappointment. As I previously mentioned, 2017 was the year of films deconstructing their own mythology or their entire genre, with ‘The Last Jedi’ disassembling Star Wars’ perfunctory tropes regarding everything being connected and having a special purpose. It’s kind of amusing when you realize that the film with the most nihilistic view on existentialism that came out this year is NOT ‘Logan’ but a Star Wars film. Lastly, I don’t care if you thought the Leia force gliding through the cold vacuum of space was stupid…this is the last time we will see Carrie Fisher not only as Leia Organa, but in any film, PERIOD. It’s been over a year and I’m still heartbroken over losing her. So lighten the fuck up, nerf-herders. 

HONORABLE MENTIONS: ‘Wonder Woman’, ‘Thor: Ragnarok’, ‘Spider-Man: Homecoming’ 

WORST MOVIES OF 2017

‘Baby Driver’ (Sony) — To paraphrase a quote I once heard, “music can be used to accompany, compliment, accentuate, enrich, identify, and inspire a film…but never to dictate one.” Basically what it means is that a film can have a good soundtrack, but having a good soundtrack doesn’t automatically make it a “good” film. That’s the problem with ‘Baby Driver’ —  a film with about as much artistic vision as Pandora Radio. Nearly every film critic who reviewed it way too much on its “killer soundtrack” and completely overlooked that if you took away the music, you’d see how messy, dull, contrived, and uneven the actual movie was.  It tries to be a cross between a Michael Mann crime thriller and a Nicholas Sparks romance drama…which goes about as well as you’d expect. I usually love director Edgar Wright’s work but ‘Baby Driver’ severely lacks the charm of his trademark dry British wit. And the soundtrack? It’s fine…if you like listening to a Spotify playlist of 70’s music on shuffle, created by a 23-year old hipster barista in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

‘Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales’ (Disney) — Aside from the original 2003 film, every ‘Pirates’ film released has been the cinematic equivalent of a popcorn fart: rotten, loud, crude, infrequent, produced by excessive consumption, and released for packed movie theaters to endure. But while the last three movies were raging dumpster fires, at their core they were still somewhat fun in a dumb but harmless way. ‘Dead Men Tell No Tales’ however is neither dumb fun nor an enjoyable inferno to witness — it’s just sad. Seriously, it’s not immensely godawful as much as it’s downright depressing. Part of this comes from watching Johnny Depp slog through the entire movie like a mentally deranged homeless man on a diet of Thunderbird wine and Dunhill cigarettes. We also see the most respectable actor in the franchise, Geoffrey Rush, visibly checked out yet still giving five-times the effort than Depp does. Javier Bardem shows up as a villain so bafflingly forgettable, you won’t even notice or care how he’s a complete facsimile of the last two villains in the series. Why are you still doing this, Disney? You have both Marvel and Star Wars basically putting food on your table, yet somehow you’re not satisfied until you have three franchises making the donuts? So you’d rather continue using an accused wife beater with a public image that plummeted like an anvil since last year and are completely fine with him being shitfaced 18-hours a day before showing up eight hours late to set where he is fed his lines through an earpiece?You know what…to say anything more about this bloated whale carcass franchise gives it way more attention than it deserves.

‘The Mummy’ (Universal)— This isn’t so much a movie as it’s a step-by-step visual playbook for film studios on “How *NOT* To Do A Cinematic Universe”.  This year, Universal Studios redefined the old expression “putting the cart before the horse” with just two words: Dark Universe. The studio intended to beat Marvel at its own game by creating an expanded film universe around the iconic Universal Monsters with ‘The Mummy’ being the inaugural entry. The result is a nauseating hodgepodge of half-assed and half-baked ideas clumped together in what bears only a passing resemblance to an actual “movie”, with more effort being spent on the shameless world building of the Dark Universe than on the movie itself. And when the film isn’t being a two-hour teaser trailer for movies that haven’t even been cast yet, it swings back and forth frantically trying to decide whether it’s a horror film, an action film, a superhero film, or a sci-fi fantasy epic. Also at some point, Tom Cruise needs to come to grips that at age 55, he has stop using whatever Xenu-approved age reversing machine that’s making him look not a day older than 39. It’s unnaturally creepy for a man pushing 60 to look the way he does; he’s the first real-life human to enter the Uncanny Valley. Your wax figure at Madame Tussauds shouldn’t look older than you currently are. Everybody goes through a midlife crisis…but instead of buying a Porsche 911 and dating a 24-year old yoga instructor, Cruise had Russell Crowe in one scene refer to his character as “a young man” (despite Crowe being a year younger). That is the most hilariously awful line in the entire movie.

Also, to the surprise of ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, it’s been reported that Universal’s Dark Universe is pretty much deader than both Lon Chaney Sr. and Jr.. This make it the second time in a row Alex Kurtzman has completely fucked up developing a cinematic universe for a major Hollywood studio; you’d think at least one studio exec would’ve caught on. Wonder who he’ll con next…

 

Nothing instills confidence in your film than having the theatrical poster spoil the fucking ending.

‘Mother!’ (Paramount) — There was a brief window of time where I along with many others believed Jennifer Lawrence was a “good” actor after she won the Oscar for ‘Silver Linings Playbook’. That window quickly shut after seeing her next performance in ‘American Hustle’. But there’s no further proof necessary for the Academy to reconsider awarding her the gold statue than her performance in ‘Mother!’. To be fair, she’s not the worst thing about this film…that honor goes to Brooklyn douchebag-turned-auteur filmmaker, Darren Aronofsky. For some reason, ‘Mother!’ was marketed as a psychological horror when in reality it’s a surreal black comedy with Biblical allegories as subtle as an Abrams tank soaked in kerosene crashing through a meth lab. Lawrence represents Mother Nature, her husband Javier Bardem is God, Ed Harris is Adam, Michelle Pfeiffer is Eve–you get the picture. As the story progresses, more and more people show up to Lawrence’s house claiming to be “fans” of her husband’s work, two brothers fight, others start recklessly remodeling the house, stealing belongings, debating the husband’s work, and so on. A baby is born, then killed by the followers who proceed in eating its flesh — there, I just spoiled the film’s most shocking and oh-so disturbing scene. BUT DO YOU GET IT???? DO YOU GET IT??? Uh, yeah, I get it. What I don’t get is how this pretentious septic tank explosion comes from the same director behind ‘Black Swan’ and ‘Requiem for a Dream’. Sorry, J-Law…your Hollywood relevancy clock struck five more minutes to midnight.

 

‘Rough Night’ (Sony) — If there is one film I saw this year that made me lose my shit for the most trivial reasons, it’s ‘Rough Night’. I’ll get to that in a second…

There were two films released this year both featuring a cast women going on a trip and cutting loose with comedic results — ‘Girls Trip’ and ‘Rough Night’. The difference between them was ‘Girls Trip’ featured a cast of predominantly Black women and with the women of ‘Rough Night’ were nearly all White — and while many are afraid to address the elephant in the room, it’s true that ‘Girls Trip’ had a larger audience of Black women than White and vice versa with ‘Rough Night’. Race demographics aside, I’ve had the misfortune of watching both films and I can confirm that both of them are atrocious trainwrecks…but ‘Rough Night’ was WAY worse. I honestly wish Hollywood would stop using ‘Bridesmaids’ as the template for every irreverent comedy featuring an all female cast as the bridal party run amok trope was already pretty dated when they did it back in 2011. ‘Rough Night’ instead is more of a loose remake of the 1998 Peter Berg-directed black comedy, ‘Very Bad Things’, in which a bachelorette party in Miami goes off the rails when one of them accidentally kills the supposed male stripper. The girls endure never ending obstacles while attempting to hide the body which doesn’t matter because the film ends with the most infuriating deus ex machina I have ever seen in the history of storytelling. It doesn’t matter what the ex machina is as it appears offscreen and is shamelessly described via exposition after the plot flashing ahead in the timeline. There are many dismal things I could point out in this film (e.g. What point was there for Kate McKinnon to be Australian?) but none of them come close to match how maddening it was to sit through the entire goddamn movie only for its cop out ending to insult the intelligence of myself and everyone in the theater. 

GODDAMNIT, just writing about it makes me furious! Fuck this movie, fuck the time it took from me, fuck the time I spent writing its entry on this list, and fuck Deus ex Machinas. 

DIS-HONORABLE MENTIONS: ‘Beauty and the Beast’, ‘Alien: Covenant’, ‘Baywatch’, ‘CHiPs’

 

Well, that does it for now. I should have Part 2 — which lists the year’s best political comedy and Late Night hosts — hopefully finished no later than the first week of the New Year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

Hall Of Shame: A Letter to Disney

AUTHOR’S NOTE: When originally published, I had erroneously stated that the ‘Hall of Presidents’ attraction was located at EPCOT instead of its actual location at Magic Kingdom in Walt Disney World. I had confused the attraction’s location with ‘The American Adventure,’ a similar show located in EPCOT’s World Pavilion that also deals with Audio-Animatronic historical figures from U.S. history. This error has since been corrected and references to the location have been modified to better fit the narrative. (12/22/2017)

Hey Disney,

It’s Rob. I’m a former cast member, Disneyland Resort 2010-2014. Remember me? It’s been a while. How’s things? Shanghai looking lovely I see. Can’t wait for Star Wars Land (you’re–you’re not gonna call it that, right?). I heard D23 was an absolute smash. Big things on the horizon for you!

Huh? Yes, yes, I’m aware that Pandora – The World of Avatar is open at Animal Kingdom, thank you for reminding me. Pardon me if I’m out of line, but I still think it’s one the dumbest and most expensive embarrassments in the history of shortsighted decisions you’ve made since…well, pretty much every decision the company made between 1967 to 1983. Not sure which executive thought it was a brilliant decision to acquire the theme park licensing for James Cameron’s amusing magic trick — no, not the CGI 3D effects, but rather how he made a film that grossed $2.7 billion at the box office before being subsequently forgotten by everyone who ever saw it.

 

“We’re really excited for Pandora as a new addition to the park, Jim. Soooo, um…when did you say those sequels coming out?”

Oh, hey! This year marks the 50th anniversary of The Pirates Of The Caribbean attraction! That’s exciting! So what do you have planned? Oh…you’re changing the ride yet again to be more “politically correct”? Gee, I remember the last time you did that where you added fruit baskets in the womens’ arms so it looked like the pirates were chasing food, not the ladies. I seemed to remember how stupid that was back then.

In a world where horny, shitfaced pirates remain celibate until the wedding night.

But hey, I’m not gonna argue some Disney purist “How-Walt-Would’ve-Wanted-It” bullshit, nor am I gonna go all Fox News by saying feminist snowflakes are ruining a classic ride with their trigger warnings and socialist ideas. But seriously…if you’re worried people would be offended by the “Take-A-Wench-For-A-Bride” scene because it objectifies women with implied sex trafficking — then you should also take out Mayor Carlos being water tortured by the pirates in the well, or pirates getting publicly intoxicated while shooting off guns. Or just get rid of the whole ride…instead of constantly bowdlerizing an attraction dedicated to the history of men who…oh, I dunno, loved to rape, pillage, and plunder? To be fair, there are worse things involving this ride being associated with alcoholics who abuse women. But I digress…

Photo unrelated. maybe.

HEY, speaking of rape, pillage, and plunder, looks like you’re going ahead with Donald Trump being added to the Hall of Presidents at Magic Kingdom in Walt Disney World…which kind of takes two steps back to the whole “dumbest and most expensive embarrassments in the history of shortsighted decisions.” I understand that your company is for all intents and purposes apolitical and intended to be enjoyed by everyone, regardless of their politics, beliefs, religion, stance, etc.. And no matter how good the intentions are, including American politics into anything related to, well, you is going to be a battle no matter how innocuous it seems.

I’m sure there was a good amount of flak you faced when you introduced George W. Bush into the Hall it what feels like a century ago when we all thought “Dubya” was a shoo-in for worst U.S. President ever. And when Barack Obama was added in 2009, I don’t doubt he got a few jeers as well. In fact, I was surprised to find out that you didn’t start adding incumbent presidents until 1993 with Bill Clinton be the first one to lend his voice for the speech. Seems like there’s no better way to ruin an Orlando family vacation than parents forcing their kids to listen to a boring educational show before audience members start shouting blowjob jokes at the stage.

What’s weird is they started shouting them at Gerald Ford

I’m not gonna mince words here — you known goddamn well who Donald John Trump is, so there’s no need to rattle off his greatest hits. Getting tired, sunburnt tourists in the same room with local Orlando passholders drunk from Epcot so everyone can watch a robotic Trump stand in front of every American president before him while he garbles a prewritten speech that he paraphrases 92% of anyhow? My God, they only way it could get more Floridian is by getting your arm bit off by an alligator after dropping your Margaritaville souvenir cup in a retirement complex’s man-made lake, causing you to inadvertently scream the N-word and confess you voted for Marco Rubio.

Seriously, fuck this place

This is probably one of the few times people wouldn’t fault you if the attraction was “Temporarily Closed” for the season (or two). We have a President who [possibly] colluded with the Russians in a political scandal that makes Watergate look like a bunch of temps got caught stealing office supplies. Chances are even the Richard Nixon animatronic is grumbling at the bullshit.

“Why do they keep yelling ‘blowjob’ at me? Wait, is Clinton really ‘Deep Throat’?!”

Have you ever considered to revamping the attraction to not feature decisive figures who held office? How about just showcasing the first, I dunno…24 Commanders-in-Chief? You have the all-star batters like Washington, Adams, Jefferson and Lincoln, followed by the pinch hitters like Madison, Monroe, Jackson, Van Buren and Grant, throw in a couple benchwarmers like Harrison, Tyler, Polk, Cleveland and, um, the other Harrison, and cut off at the 24th who was—Jesus, Cleveland again? Ok, how about the first 13 Presidents in honor of the thirteen original colonies, starting with Washington and ending with—Millard Fillmore? Who the fuck is he?  It’s like every president who served in-between Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt is so nondescript that the National Archives in D.C. has to double check on Wikipedia for which President Harrison came first

Official White House portrait, courtesy of the National Archives interns

Ok, ok, so maybe the selective revamp doesn’t work. Or you could always do what the Florida parks have been doing since you opened them in 1971 — just copy Disneyland but somehow make each attraction 6-minutes shorter than their Anaheim counterpart (*BUH-DUM-CHING*). In this case, we have Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln which was the granddaddy of audio-animatronics. I mean, why not?! Lincoln is probably one of the few Presidents who is universally adored by this country, so you’d easily avoid pissing off—well, you might piss off a few pro-Confederate yokels visiting from Tallahassee, but fuck ’em.

True story: I actually saw Great Moments the same week after the 2016 election results and I found myself blubbering like a baby at the recreation of Lincoln’s speech on “keeping the union together.” It was beautiful.

 “I too would like to announce I’m retiring from acting.”

In the end, none of this will matter since most of your ground work has been laid for Generalissimo Cheeto to join the ranks of free leaders. And despite some initial reports from Vice that Trump will *not* have a speaking role (which was later retracted), y’all seem pretty nonplussed over what could potentially be a PR nightmare. Not sure why you make such an effort to censor the misadventures of scurvy cursed buccaneers buying women to marry (although the heavyset bride seemed willing and ready) but are partially indifferent to showcasing a man who loves to grab women by the pussy as a simple of American pride and liberty.

…shit, you’re cutting this next, aren’t you?

It’s not like we needed another reason to visit Universal Studios instead for The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Oooh, sorry, that was low.

Still love you, always will.

Sincerely,

Rob

UPDATE (12/23/2017) — After numerous delays, including missing its initial debut during summer then late fall, the ‘Hall of Presidents’ finally had a quiet reopening on December 19, 2017 with the addition of Trump. There is no official explanation as to why the refurbishment took nearly a year to complete, although sources claim the delay was partially due to Trump being unhappy with the speech written by Disney for him to record and demanded to have his own people write the speech instead. Whatever the case is, the show now features an audio-animatronic President Donald J. Trump giving a brief speech while standing in front of the other forty-four American Presidents. And…it’s just…holy shit. First of all, look at this fucking thing. If you want, go ahead and watch this Stephen King-esque gargoyle speak. Naturally, Disney made sure the speech was non-partisan and family friendly, making the Trump robot a better U.S. President than the real guy. Thank God for the internet, though.