AUTHOR’S NOTE: When originally published, I had erroneously stated that the ‘Hall of Presidents’ attraction was located at EPCOT instead of its actual location at Magic Kingdom in Walt Disney World. I had confused the attraction’s location with ‘The American Adventure,’ a similar show located in EPCOT’s World Pavilion that also deals with Audio-Animatronic historical figures from U.S. history. This error has since been corrected and references to the location have been modified to better fit the narrative. (12/22/2017)
Hey Disney,
It’s Rob. I’m a former cast member, Disneyland Resort 2010-2014. Remember me? It’s been a while. How’s things? Shanghai looking lovely I see. Can’t wait for Star Wars Land (you’re–you’re not gonna call it that, right?). I heard D23 was an absolute smash. Big things on the horizon for you!
Huh? Yes, yes, I’m aware that Pandora – The World of Avatar is open at Animal Kingdom, thank you for reminding me. Pardon me if I’m out of line, but I still think it’s one the dumbest and most expensive embarrassments in the history of shortsighted decisions you’ve made since…well, pretty much every decision the company made between 1967 to 1983. Not sure which executive thought it was a brilliant decision to acquire the theme park licensing for James Cameron’s amusing magic trick — no, not the CGI 3D effects, but rather how he made a film that grossed $2.7 billion at the box office before being subsequently forgotten by everyone who ever saw it.
Oh, hey! This year marks the 50th anniversary of The Pirates Of The Caribbean attraction! That’s exciting! So what do you have planned? Oh…you’re changing the ride yet again to be more “politically correct”? Gee, I remember the last time you did that where you added fruit baskets in the womens’ arms so it looked like the pirates were chasing food, not the ladies. I seemed to remember how stupid that was back then.
But hey, I’m not gonna argue some Disney purist “How-Walt-Would’ve-Wanted-It” bullshit, nor am I gonna go all Fox News by saying feminist snowflakes are ruining a classic ride with their trigger warnings and socialist ideas. But seriously…if you’re worried people would be offended by the “Take-A-Wench-For-A-Bride” scene because it objectifies women with implied sex trafficking — then you should also take out Mayor Carlos being water tortured by the pirates in the well, or pirates getting publicly intoxicated while shooting off guns. Or just get rid of the whole ride…instead of constantly bowdlerizing an attraction dedicated to the history of men who…oh, I dunno, loved to rape, pillage, and plunder? To be fair, there are worse things involving this ride being associated with alcoholics who abuse women. But I digress…
HEY, speaking of rape, pillage, and plunder, looks like you’re going ahead with Donald Trump being added to the Hall of Presidents at Magic Kingdom in Walt Disney World…which kind of takes two steps back to the whole “dumbest and most expensive embarrassments in the history of shortsighted decisions.” I understand that your company is for all intents and purposes apolitical and intended to be enjoyed by everyone, regardless of their politics, beliefs, religion, stance, etc.. And no matter how good the intentions are, including American politics into anything related to, well, you is going to be a battle no matter how innocuous it seems.
I’m sure there was a good amount of flak you faced when you introduced George W. Bush into the Hall it what feels like a century ago when we all thought “Dubya” was a shoo-in for worst U.S. President ever. And when Barack Obama was added in 2009, I don’t doubt he got a few jeers as well. In fact, I was surprised to find out that you didn’t start adding incumbent presidents until 1993 with Bill Clinton be the first one to lend his voice for the speech. Seems like there’s no better way to ruin an Orlando family vacation than parents forcing their kids to listen to a boring educational show before audience members start shouting blowjob jokes at the stage.
I’m not gonna mince words here — you known goddamn well who Donald John Trump is, so there’s no need to rattle off his greatest hits. Getting tired, sunburnt tourists in the same room with local Orlando passholders drunk from Epcot so everyone can watch a robotic Trump stand in front of every American president before him while he garbles a prewritten speech that he paraphrases 92% of anyhow? My God, they only way it could get more Floridian is by getting your arm bit off by an alligator after dropping your Margaritaville souvenir cup in a retirement complex’s man-made lake, causing you to inadvertently scream the N-word and confess you voted for Marco Rubio.
This is probably one of the few times people wouldn’t fault you if the attraction was “Temporarily Closed” for the season (or two). We have a President who [possibly] colluded with the Russians in a political scandal that makes Watergate look like a bunch of temps got caught stealing office supplies. Chances are even the Richard Nixon animatronic is grumbling at the bullshit.
Have you ever considered to revamping the attraction to not feature decisive figures who held office? How about just showcasing the first, I dunno…24 Commanders-in-Chief? You have the all-star batters like Washington, Adams, Jefferson and Lincoln, followed by the pinch hitters like Madison, Monroe, Jackson, Van Buren and Grant, throw in a couple benchwarmers like Harrison, Tyler, Polk, Cleveland and, um, the other Harrison, and cut off at the 24th who was—Jesus, Cleveland again? Ok, how about the first 13 Presidents in honor of the thirteen original colonies, starting with Washington and ending with—Millard Fillmore? Who the fuck is he? It’s like every president who served in-between Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt is so nondescript that the National Archives in D.C. has to double check on Wikipedia for which President Harrison came first
Ok, ok, so maybe the selective revamp doesn’t work. Or you could always do what the Florida parks have been doing since you opened them in 1971 — just copy Disneyland but somehow make each attraction 6-minutes shorter than their Anaheim counterpart (*BUH-DUM-CHING*). In this case, we have Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln which was the granddaddy of audio-animatronics. I mean, why not?! Lincoln is probably one of the few Presidents who is universally adored by this country, so you’d easily avoid pissing off—well, you might piss off a few pro-Confederate yokels visiting from Tallahassee, but fuck ’em.
True story: I actually saw Great Moments the same week after the 2016 election results and I found myself blubbering like a baby at the recreation of Lincoln’s speech on “keeping the union together.” It was beautiful.
In the end, none of this will matter since most of your ground work has been laid for Generalissimo Cheeto to join the ranks of free leaders. And despite some initial reports from Vice that Trump will *not* have a speaking role (which was later retracted), y’all seem pretty nonplussed over what could potentially be a PR nightmare. Not sure why you make such an effort to censor the misadventures of scurvy cursed buccaneers buying women to marry (although the heavyset bride seemed willing and ready) but are partially indifferent to showcasing a man who loves to grab women by the pussy as a simple of American pride and liberty.
It’s not like we needed another reason to visit Universal Studios instead for The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Oooh, sorry, that was low.
Still love you, always will.
Sincerely,
Rob
UPDATE (12/23/2017) — After numerous delays, including missing its initial debut during summer then late fall, the ‘Hall of Presidents’ finally had a quiet reopening on December 19, 2017 with the addition of Trump. There is no official explanation as to why the refurbishment took nearly a year to complete, although sources claim the delay was partially due to Trump being unhappy with the speech written by Disney for him to record and demanded to have his own people write the speech instead. Whatever the case is, the show now features an audio-animatronic President Donald J. Trump giving a brief speech while standing in front of the other forty-four American Presidents. And…it’s just…holy shit. First of all, look at this fucking thing. If you want, go ahead and watch this Stephen King-esque gargoyle speak. Naturally, Disney made sure the speech was non-partisan and family friendly, making the Trump robot a better U.S. President than the real guy. Thank God for the internet, though.
the-gospel-according-to-rob-garrison 
